


You Still Have (All Of) Me

by whitelalin



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, EXO-M for life yo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I love them all, M/M, Mild Fluff, Other, Real Life, Tags Are Hard, What Have I Done, but nahhhhh mayb some other time, i honestly feel like im missing some tags, i love thee xo-k members also, i was gonna make it romantic!xingdae, like really mild lol, lol, or well at least i tried to make it angsty, please do not be mistaken, some - Freeform, xiuchen if u squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 19:24:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12091767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitelalin/pseuds/whitelalin
Summary: The three Chinese members who left and the one who stayed.





	You Still Have (All Of) Me

**Author's Note:**

> Warning(s): none, although please know that while this has mostly been beta'd there are probably still a few mistakes here and there (my eyes are tired from re-reading it over and over, leave me alone okay)
> 
> ALSO: constructive criticism is cool, I can handle it (ง'̀-‘́)ง (just not anything mean okay because I'm a fucking crybaby lmao)

When Jongdae had been called into one of the main offices in the building, he didn’t know what to expect. He had just begun his life of a trainee recently—eleven months to be precise, which was pretty recent to him as others had told him that they have been trainees for five years. Others more. He thought that it might have been due to the fact that monthly assessment was the other day and Jongdae, being him, had messed up slightly during the dance. He was a singer, not a dancer, and anybody could tell with the skinny, awkward body of his.

Walking into the office, Jongdae willed himself not to be nervous. Six faces turned to face him as soon as he had opened the door. Jongdae nervously flicked his eyes to each face before meeting the eyes of Lee Sooman who gestured over to a seat. Welp, that plan of him trying not to be nervous flew out the window.

“Congratulations boys,” the CEO said once he had sat down, “you have been chosen to debut as part of a project we have planned.” Jongdae heard the sharp intake of breath from the man who sat beside him. He looked at the others who were stock still, eyes that read how shocked they were. “There are twelve of you in total. The other six have been informed already. For this project, you will debut as one but promote as two different divisions. This group will promote in China and the other will remain here.”

Jongdae gulped. _China_? He hadn’t a notion about China! He couldn’t even speak the language. He also didn’t even know the trainees in the room with him. Sure, he could probably recognize them by face, but the four of them had stayed with each other while the man with the chubby cheeks (Min-something) never trained along with him—always in another area with a different schedule to him.

Before he knew it they were sent on their way to move into a dorm together and get acquainted to each other. Something bitter made its way to Jongdae’s stomach. As much as he was grateful for being able to debut, he couldn’t help but clench his fists at the thought of being thrusted into the Chinese counterpart of the group. He wasn’t even Chinese! He was a Korean through and through! Surely it wasn’t fair that—

He stopped his thoughts from escalating any further. It wasn’t right of him to complain, even if it was in his mind, because the four Chinese men had to learn Korean in order to survive with the hopes of debuting. He wasn’t sure how long they have been trainees but the thought of them being away from their homes and the comfort of being with their fellow Chinese citizens made him sad. He would just have to suck it up. Just like they did.

The walk to the car was a quiet one, the Chinese males mostly keeping to themselves—although they had glanced at them to flash an awkward smile once—the only other Korean (Minseok! He _finally_ remembered) quickened his pace to match Jongdae’s so that they could walk side by side.

“So, China.” Minseok mumbled quietly.

Jongdae nodded his head, “China.”

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

To improve their general dynamics, it was decided that they would allow the manager decide their roommates. Jongdae felt Minseok give his arm a reassuring squeeze when he and Yixing were given a room. The Chinese male flashed him a dimpled smile as he hauled his suitcase into the room that they would share whenever they were in Korea.

(Yixing was an amazing roommate and a friend that he thought he’d have for life. Warm, funny and compassionate, Zhang Yixing was a true blessing to the Earth. Jongdae could totally overlook his habit of forgetting where he placed things and sometimes not making his bed or any other of the things he did that wasn’t ideal because Yixing? He was nothing short of absolute brilliance and radiance. Oh, and he was human of course. Everyone had their faults.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

Months had passed and they were preparing for their debut.

Jongdae barely slept—between vocal lessons, dance lessons and Mandarin lessons he just didn’t have the luxury. Not when everybody was working just as hard, if not harder than he was. Recording the songs was a pain since he had to restart some parts because his pronunciations were off but he had pulled through. Eventually. Dance lessons were no better. He would often find himself staring at Yixing and Lu Han with a sliver of envy. They were so graceful with their fluid movements and were quick to learn the steps, Jongdae on the other hand could barely keep up and even if months had passed and he is a fully grown adult, his body still remained as that skinny, awkward one that he came in with when he started as a trainee. Learning Mandarin was fun even though his teacher was strict. Yixing, whom he had inevitably grown closer with, often helped him whenever he could. The older male always gave praises and bought him sparkly stickers for his notebook so that his attention would always focus on the page.

Before any of them knew it, they were debuting.

The showcase was exhilarating. So many people had showed up. They done their introductions, answered questions and performed numerous songs. When they were done adrenaline was still pumping in his veins and he wanted to sing more, wanted to dance more. He just didn’t want the night to end.

 

*

 

1.

“You’re rooming with me.” Jongdae was startled when Yifan took the seat beside him on the airplane, he had expected Yixing or Minseok to sit beside him. He was pretty sure that he was staring like an idiot because the tall male added, “In our dorm in China. I’ll be your roommate.”

Truthfully, Jongdae had felt a wave of disappointment and a tiny bit of panic. He liked familiarity—Yixing and Minseok were familiar. They were both a comfort to him, encouraging him and taking care of him. Yifan, however, was the complete opposite. He hardly ever talked to Jongdae bar the awkward short lived sentences that they passed to one another. He doesn’t blame their distant relationship entirely on Yifan though since he himself is a bit of an introvert. And while he can act all bubbly and loud when the cameras are on and their ever-growing fan base are around, he can’t help but be just a little bit shy and awkward around his bandmates—especially their Chinese counterparts who weren’t Yixing.

Jongdae just hummed, nodding in acceptance and closed his eyes. Hopefully Yifan would be a good roommate.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

Yifan was, in fact, a good roommate; he kept his stuff relatively tidy, cleaned up after himself when he brought any food and was always open for any conversation Jongdae had started.

(Albeit their conversations always died tragically, the awkward gaps in between their sentences for lack of not knowing what else to say.)

It was strange at first, what with Jongdae being used to reminding Yixing where he had placed his stuff back in their dorm in Korea, and the awkwardness that filled the air. Yifan also kept to himself the majority of the time and their conversations were (still) stilted. It changed, however, when Yifan overheard Jongdae sniffling under his covers one night. He was homesick and bawling like a newborn baby. Naturally, he tried to be quiet—he didn’t want to wake up his roommate because he was crying. Obviously it didn’t work but Yifan was kind about it.

“I cried before too.” Yifan whispered as he uncoordinatedly got into his bed and gathered him into his arms awkwardly. “It was raining then and…”

He continued telling Jongdae different stories from when he was a trainee; the stupid things Lu Han roped him into doing, the pranks the two of them pulled on Zitao, him and Yixing sharing pudding cups at the bottom of the stairwell as they mused about their hometowns.

The night following his crying episode Jongdae presented Yifan with a mooncake with red bean filling that he managed to buy.

The rest was history. They engaged in more activities with each other, Yifan started looking out for him more (especially in whatever variety show or interview they were in and Jongdae’s messy Mandarin was being a nuisance) and shared snacks with each other as they told each other stories in the night.

Yifan had slowly become his support system—somebody he relied on heavily behind closed doors, when cameras weren't on them, when they didn’t have to pretend that Yifan and Zitao spent every breathing moment in each others spaces. Sure, there was Minseok; his fellow Korean comrade in the whole Chinese counterpart thing. It was great speaking to him about his woes of missing their motherland and everything but the older male had Lu Han and their whole bromance thing. So yeah, he had Minseok but he didn’t _have_ him.

Not like Yifan.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

It never did occur to Jongdae that one day he might _not_ have Yifan anymore. Just like it was naïve of him to think that this bond and group with the twelve of them would last forever. It was foolish, really.

“B-but ge…” Jongdae heard himself say as his lips quivered. But he refused to cry. Yifan wasn’t looking at him—at any of them as a matter of fact. Whether he was staring at the ground or his hands that were tightly clenched together, Jongdae couldn’t tell. What he did recognize was the hardness in his eyes and the stiff way he held himself.

“Kris—” Junmyeon had started but cut himself short, his mouth pressing together firmly as he balled his hands into fists at his sides and looked at the ground. It reminded Jongdae of those characters in anime, the kind where something angsty happens—like the when main lead’s romantic interest decides to leave—and the character is just left there to stare at the ground before they start to bawl their eyes out and start yelling things.

Except this was real life and it almost felt like Jongdae was the main character watching his loved one go away forever because him and Yifan? They had an unspoken strong bond. A bond of mutual understanding that consisted of sharing snacks under the covers of his bed, watching sappy romance films and talking about everything. And God it _hurt_ . Like someone was squeezing his heart so tight and he couldn’t _breathe_. He needed to get out of there, needed to wipe the image of his friends devastated faces.

Zitao started yelling things then but Jongdae couldn’t bring himself to listen. His words were a jumbled fusion of furious Korean and rapid Mandarin and Jongdae just. Had. To. Leave.

A hand gently grabbed his wrist and tugged him away from the scene. He had time to witness Junmyeon crumble; the way the older male dropped to his knees with his hands in his face as his shoulders shook. He had a glimpse of Baekhyun shaking his head frantically as he burrowed himself into Chanyeol and then he was gone. Out of the room, being lead somewhere unknown.

Jongdae looked ahead of him to find the familiar back of Yixing, leading him up and up and up before he found himself on the rooftop. Yixing spun around to face him and for a moment, neither of them said anything. Jongdae couldn’t help the wail that escaped his lips and all but threw himself at Yixing, who caught him with arms wide open.

“It not fair!” He cried.

“I know, Chenchen,” Yixing told him soothingly, stroking his hair as he did so. “I know.”

 

*

 

It went by like a blur from then on.

Everything was weird and uncomfortable after Yifan’s departure. The company scrambled to change their choreography in order to tailor it for the five of them, Zitao repeatedly made comments about Yifan’s quote unquote _betrayal_ and Chanyeol didn’t smile anymore.

The Chinese counterpart returned to promote in China again and it was awful because Jongdae was alone. He didn’t mean to or want to be dramatic or anything but EXO-K still had all their members which meant by default, each other, and the other members in EXO-M were split into little groups of two. It was Lu Han and Minseok along with Yixing and Zitao. Their manager was cool and everything but Jongdae knew he couldn’t relate to him as much as Yifan—who knew his fears and secrets, who knew how much of a struggle being a trainee was.

Jongdae didn’t like how quiet his room was. Through the thin walls he could hear Minseok and Lu Han banter with one another and it just reminded him of how his roommate wasn’t there anymore. He turned to his side, pulling the covers above his head and curled into himself.

If he cried all night well that was nobody else’s business but his own.

(He thought he might have felt a hand rake through his hair and a soft voice murmur beautiful words. But he was probably just being silly due to his painfully obvious lack of roommate.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

The days seemed to fly by.

Tours kept happening, some injuries kept being repeated but it was becoming relatively normal again. Well, as normal as it could get with the Yifan shaped hole missing from their hearts. From their Skype calls, it was visible that Chanyeol was smiling more again and that the scary emptiness from Junmyeon’s eyes had disappeared, but of course Jongdae knew that they were also still upset. It was the way Jongin and Sehun kept quiet, lingering together at the back and the way Baekhyun laughed too loudly. But it was better, even if it was a tiny bit stilted.

And if Chanyeol could smile again, then Jongdae could certainly patch up the ache and nothingness that he felt.

 

*

 

2.

Lu Han came before him during the night, smile too wide considering that it was just past midnight. Naturally, Jongdae faced away from him and tried to sleep again but the baby faced male continued to nudge him until he (begrudgingly) got up.

“Come on an adventure with me.” Lu Han whispered, mischief twinkling in his eyes.

Jongdae could have said no, that they had a tight schedule but there was something desperate in Lu Han’s eyes. He sighed, flinging his covers off of him and stood up to blindly search for the hoodie that he knew he threw somewhere carelessly on the floor. From behind him he heard the Chinese male whoop quietly and couldn’t help but fondly roll his eyes.

As it turned out Lu Han, the idiot, didn’t have any idea where they were going to go. But Jongdae guessed that was what he meant about going on an adventure. It was extremely dark and chilly, all the shops were closed except for the shady looking bars that were open and the 24/7 convenience stores littered around random places. Surprisingly, Lu Han was quiet throughout their walk, hands stuffed in his pockets as he glanced at him from time to time.

“You miss him, don’t you?”

Jongdae looked up from the ground. They were at a playground that was an hour walk away from their dorm. “Stupid,” he muttered, “don’t you?”

Lu Han offered him a sad smile then, taking a seat on the swing next to him.

The silence resumed and that was that.

(Lu Han’s arm was a comforting weight around his shoulders and the small, private smile made Jongdae wonder: why hadn’t he asked Minseok to go on his little adventure with him?)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

There was a change in the tide from then on, it seemed.

Lu Han kept returning to him for more night adventures, gradually making conversation with him and unmistakably avoided mentioning Yifan. It didn’t stop there, either. Just like with Yifan, Lu Han had also began to interact with him more. Jongdae was hesitant due to the whole Yifan thing but Lu Han was persistent and over a short amount of time, they were practically joined to the hip. It wasn’t like Lu Han didn’t acknowledge Minseok anymore or anything; they still hung out, played soccer together and, of course, were roommates. It was just that Lu Han seemed to want to spend more time with Jongdae nowadays—not that he particularly minded or anything, he was a lonely soul after all.

(Sometimes it was as if Yixing hovered around him but, like, cautiously. Almost like there was some sort of invisible forcefield around his entire being that he couldn’t penetrate. Jongdae wouldn’t ask him about it, though, as close as they were since Yixing became hover-y with him ever since the whole Yifan incident.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

(“Do you ever think about leaving?” Lu Han asked him one time during their nightly adventures.

Jongdae paused mid-step and turned to face him, “No.” He mumbled, “Never.” And after a beat of silence, he added, “Do you?”

Lu Han became quiet then, biting his lip as his hands subtly wrung together. In fact, if Jongdae thought really hard about it, he was quiet for the rest of their little adventure.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

The thing about Jongdae was that whenever he established a friendship with someone, he wanted to have that bond for the rest of his life. Naïve? Yes. Stupid? Definitely. But that was what he was like and, well, he couldn’t exactly change his mind frame immediately. So, of course, he tried calling Yifan. He was an idiot, really, his ge probably changed his number but that didn’t stop him from trying. Lu Han was there with him, holding his hand in reassurance even though Jongdae was sure that he was desperate to speak with him too.

There was no answer (not that he expected one), the monotonous voice telling him that the number couldn’t be reached because of course Yifan did change his number. Jongdae wasn’t the only one disappointed. Lu Han’s grip on his hand tightened and it looked like he was willing himself not to cry. Jongdae, on the other hand, wasn’t that strong and shed a few tears before reminding himself that it wasn’t fair of him to cry because Yifan and Lu Han had knew each other before he came into the picture. He gathered his baby faced ge then, and comforted him as he cried silently.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

There were signs to these things, Jongdae supposed.

If he were to give an estimate, it might have started when his and Lu Han’s nightly escapades began decreasing until it came to a stop altogether. But that was wrong. He knew that deep down, it started when they had that strange conversation. Lu Han was slowly distancing himself, it seemed. When Jongdae observed him, it was like he was floating; Lu Han was often distracted, especially during their concert rehearsals, and he started to hang around with Sehun more. Jongdae wasn’t jealous, not when his ge still spent time with him, but he couldn’t help the curiosity and the helplessness he felt when he saw the the masked sadness in Lu Han’s eyes or the sluggish way he carried himself.

He didn’t want to pry. Besides, he saw the Chinese male with Minseok several times—talking to each other in hushed tones.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

They were laughing at some joke Chanyeol made and then. And then—

There was a white noise that swished in Jongdae’s ears, loud and clear and annoying. But he didn’t care. Not when. 

His eyes were wide, glossy, and the corners of his lips fell towards the floor. “G-ge…” There was that nostalgic feeling of loss again as he stared at the caramel strands on Lu Han’s head because of course, _of course_ , Jongdae would lose him too. His new support system. His Han ge. But he wasn’t the only one losing him and as he surveyed the room, scanning each of his friends faces, he realized that while they were upset they didn’t seem to feel the same heartache as him. Slowly, he shifted his gaze onto Minseok who seemed to take this whole thing in stride and that was when he realized something.

“You knew!” Jongdae accused, pointing a finger at him. Minseok bit the bottom of his lip, eyes as wide as saucers. “You _knew_ and—and—” It was difficult to find words. That horrid feeling of not being able to breathe clawed up in his throat again, like his lungs were being crushed slowly.

Minseok was saying something as was Lu Han but as he looked at the pair of them, he knew he had to leave the room. So he did. Fleeing just like he did before. Except this time Yixing wasn’t leading him and he was not going up to the roof top.     

Jongdae found himself in his hotel room that he shared with Yixing, under the covers in the fetal position. Lu Han was leaving. _Leaving_. Like he hadn’t spent all that time with him only to rip his heart and stomp on it. He couldn’t understand how the others reacted so calmly. Maybe it was just his thing to be dramatic but he couldn’t help it. He felt fooled by Lu Han. As if Lu Han planned to get all close and buddy-buddy with him before cutting up his arteries and leaving him in the dust. But the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt for accusing Minseok like he did. And his reaction at Lu Han’s news. Lu Han was at least giving them notice and not just hitching off.

Jongdae felt himself startle slightly when he felt a dip in the bed as someone lifted up his covers and laid with him, arm easily wrapping around him.

“We’ll be alright.” Yixing’s soothing voice whispered. The _just like the last time_ isn’t said but Jongdae heard it loud and clear.

They stayed like that until there was a loud, almost frantic knock on the door. Neither of them move until Lu Han’s desperate voice piped up from the other side. Yixing removed his arm around his waist and threw the covers off of him to answer the door but Jongdae stopped him with a trembling hand. He wasn’t sure that he was ready to face Lu Han just yet. Yixing smiled reassuringly, placing a chaste kiss on his forehead and left to answer the door. Jongdae waited patiently as he sat up, listening to the quiet murmur of their voices.

When Lu Han finally appeared in front of him, shifting from foot to foot before Jongdae gestured to the bed, there was a glossiness in his eyes. They hugged it out, his ge apologizing profusely as he hiccupped and Jongdae realized that he couldn’t be mad at him or Minseok.

The night ended with both of them with watery smiles and the promise of keeping in contact.

(“Whenever you need me, I’m always on call.” Lu Han swore with a sniffle.)

 

*

 

Everything was hectic after Lu Han’s withdrawal.

The media was on them like vultures, waiting for them to fall apart, taking Lu Han’s exit from the group without the same hostility that they held with Yifan—even Zitao, which was strange, but Jongdae supposed that it was because Yifan and Zitao were extremely close with one another.

Comeback plans were being arranged; they recently listened to the demo and recording would start as soon as possible to avert the attention from the latest member loss. New hair colors were being decided and choreographers being contacted. Jongdae thought that this might have been messiest planned comeback, even though it was planned in advance, due to it being pushed forward.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

They were picking themselves up from Lu Han’s departure surprisingly well. Maybe it was because there was no bad blood between them. But Jongdae would be lying if he said that he didn’t miss the late night walks that they went on. He tried going on his own once, unable to sleep and alone with his thoughts, and it was terrible. There wasn’t any horrible jokes to laugh at, ice-cream competitions or laying down on the sand in playgrounds. No, instead what he got was the wind howling in his ear, the lack of a familiar weight on his shoulders and the feeling of emptiness in the pit of his stomach.

He called Lu Han that night, relaying the events. All he got was a sad chuckle before the older male told him that he had tried to do the same thing, too, and that he _hated_ it.

 

*

 

3.

It wasn’t a secret that Zitao and him weren’t close.

For Jongdae, the younger male was always on the edge of his mind because sure, they were in the same subunit and sure, they lived together and maybe sat together in the van once or thrice but it wasn’t like they were all chummy with each other. They could manage a conversation just fine and could be within vicinity of each other without an awkward atmosphere for the cameras and that was about it. But with what has happened previously, Jongdae didn’t know whether or not he wanted to be close with him at all.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

There’s a saying that goes: once bitten, twice shy. But Jongdae wondered what about the third time? Because it seemed that Zitao was invested in making their fallen subunit into some sort of tight knit family or something—always patting the seat next to him when they’re eating, trying to catch his attention and inviting him to go places with him.

And what could Jongdae do? Ignore him? Because the way he saw it, if he remained cautious and didn’t get too close to Zitao then he could save himself some pain if the martial artist did decide to depart from their group. However it seemed unlikely that he would due to his obvious display of anger and betrayal when Yifan left and the tiny bit of resentment he admitted feeling towards Lu Han.

It was decided then, as Jongdae lay in bed staring at nothing in particular in the dark, that he would at least try. They were back in Korea again and Yixing was snoring quietly, which offered some sort of strange comfort to him as he drifted off to sleep.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

Jongdae was stupid to think that his plan of not getting close to Zitao would work.

Zitao was stuck to him like a leech, only leaving him when he and Sehun were up to their usual shenanigans or when any of the members invited him to do something but even then he turned to Jongdae with his dark puffy eyes and asked if he wanted to tag along too. Jongdae knew that he had become sort sort of support system to Zitao the moment the younger male slept next to him after the entire group binge watched horror movies. It was weird because Jongdae thought that if Zitao were to have any support system out of the ten of them, it would be either Yixing or Junmyeon—maybe even Sehun. But no. It was him. Jongdae didn’t know how to feel about it if he was going to be honest but the thought of it made him feel warm.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

The comeback date was approaching fast. None of them have slept properly (have they ever really slept properly since they joined this industry?) and were working themselves to the bone. They were all too tired to hold up any conversation, some (Jongin and Yixing) even fell asleep halfway through one.

When it got too hectic, Jongdae like going to the rooftop to just _be_. There was a calmness that took over him when he was at the rooftop with a thick blanket wrapped around him, counting how many lights were open in the buildings that he could see. Zitao soon started joining him. He got caught one night while he was sneaking up and Zitao happened to be present because he had woken up to go to the bathroom. At first it was quiet but as the days passed and Zitao became a staple whenever he went to the rooftop, they started chatting and truly bonding.

It became their thing, the rooftop. And the not so subtle secret smiles that Zitao shot at him randomly throughout the day was endearing.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

Call Me Baby was a hit. Not exactly reaching the same popularity as Growl did but popular in its own way nonetheless. The fan’s reactions were amazing, going by the reaction videos they found themselves watching on YouTube, as well as the album sales and their place on numerous music charts.

It was the beginning of a new era. A better version of EXO. A version that showed they could face any hardships thrown at them.

(In Jongdae’s head he still referred to them as EXO-M and EXO-K, but he never voiced it out loud.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

It slowly started to fall apart again when Zitao injured his foot. Sure, Jongdae noticed that his performance on Mnet wasn’t his usual standard but he had chalked that up to him feeling under as he had been recently. However Jongdae should’ve done something, he supposed, because now Zitao was seriously injured from being on Laws of the Jungle.

“I’m alright you guys, calm down. It’s a little bit sore but that’s it.” Zitao had assured them over the phone.

Jongdae and Junmyeon simultaneously rolled their eyes, foreheads creased in concern. Sehun nudged him and gave him puppy dog eyes to which he relented with an overdramatic sigh before handing over his phone. The younger male yipped and dashed off somewhere with Jongin hot on his heels.

“Kids.” Junmyeon muttered, making Jongdae huff out a laugh as he flicked him on his forehead.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

Turned out it wasn’t just _‘a little bit sore’_ if him being in a cast and not permitted to promote with them was any indication. Because it wasn’t just his leg or ankle of foot that was extremely hurt, but a combination of all three—a triple whammy. So bar from the Mnet performance, Zitao was on rest until… Well nobody knew for certain how long he was benched for but he deserved really good rest after sustaining the injury.

Zitao had become somewhat subdued since he was benched. In fact, Jongdae noticed that the Chinese male was much more quieter and mostly kept to himself, smiling at Jongdae when he caught him looking in concern. Jongdae felt a sick twist in his stomach when he noticed how Zitao was acting because it was like he was distancing himself for all of them, especially him and Sehun, much like Lu Han did before his big announcement.

Jongdae gulped. Zitao wouldn’t. Would he…?

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

As it turned out, he would.

( _The signs are never wrong_ , his mind told him.)

“My dad isn’t happy with the treatment.” Zitao informed them solemnly. “My parents don’t want me part of this anymore.” There’s a muffled sniffle somewhere behind Jongdae. It certainly isn’t him because he had been mentally preparing himself for this. And yet— “I’m so sorry.” Zitao hid his face in his hands and, oh, there were the tears that he was expecting from himself.

Wiping at his eyes furiously, Jongdae walked over to the younger Chinese male. He automatically wrapped an arm around him and gave him reassurance. But Zitao wasn’t having any of it, told him how hypocritical he felt because after all the things he said about Yifan and what he felt towards Lu Han he was just doing the same thing as them. And that. That broke his heart—ripped it into pieces.

“We understand.” Yixing piped up as he took the space on the other side of Zitao, casting a quick look at Jongdae. “You’re probably better off”—he paused, as if hesitating his next few words—“without us.”

The others murmured in agreement, slowly flocking towards them to join their huddle before allowing silence to consume them.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

“They say death comes in threes,” Jongdae said as he turned to face Yixing on the opposite side of the room, “but why does it feel like it doesn’t have to be death?”

“I’m not too sure about the answer to that.”

(Jongdae ended up on Yixing’s bed after a few minutes. Both of them mourned silently at yet another loss from their group.)

 

*

 

Life after Zitao’s departure from the group was pretty standard.

The media and the citizens were hounding them. Some were glad that Zitao left, that it was better for him and that he would have suffered if he stayed in the group. Others had a more negative response, referencing on his attitude during Yifan’s departure.

Jongdae avoided going to the rooftop—there were too many memories of he and Zitao there so he would rather not. (The wound was too big, too open and he didn’t want to add any salt to the pain.) What he did instead was laze about; hiding under his covers, draping himself over Yixing who would huff in faux annoyance but run his fingers through his hair regardless, stealing Minseok or Baekhyun for some casual outings when he felt like getting fresh air.

It was different and he didn’t mind (much) but God did he miss those three.

 

*

 

+1

Jongdae could tell that it wasn’t just him who was wary of Yixing. The others were, too. He could tell by the way they held themselves, how they would never let themselves get too close to Yixing—not like before—and the difference in how they talk to him on and off camera. Yixing never said anything, pretended like everything was fine but Jongdae couldn’t. Because their part of the subunit dissolved in half and Jongdae can’t pretend that everything's a-okay when clearly _nothing_ is!

Or maybe he can because Yixing doesn’t deserve it. Yixing has been nothing but the epitome of warmth and kindness. It’s the same Yixing who stayed up with him to work on his pronunciation, who helped him work to perfect his dance moves time and time again. His Yixing ge wouldn’t leave them. He knew it in his heart, could feel it in his bones. But Jongdae’s worried—he had the same blind faith in both Lu Han and Zitao and looked what happened.

Until Yixing gives him any reason to doubt him, Jongdae will completely trust him.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

Everything is grand and dandy—they choose each other as who they would be fans of (he doesn’t regret not choosing Chanyeol. Not even a little bit), they’re still hotel roommates and enjoy each other's company. And, yeah, the others still don’t fully interact with Yixing like they used to, but he’s got Jongdae and Jongdae has him too. (He’s also got Minseok, Jongdae knows, because the three of them have been through alot and are still standing so that must count for something.)

A small part of Jongdae is worried because everything was going swimmingly with Yifan, Lu Han and Zitao too but look where that got him. Where it got all of them. But Jongdae squishes that worry down because Yixing is still here and is smiling at him with those adorable dimples of his and really, how could he ever think that Yixing—loyal, hard working, tender Yixing—would leave him. Leave _them_.

(It still worms its way into his thoughts sometimes, festering until it he thinks of ugly and horrible things that he would never _ever_ voice out.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

In June their repackage for Call Me Baby comes out. The title track is called Love Me Right and it’s amazing. The bgm of the track and the aesthetic of the music video combined makes Jongdae fall in love with it.

(He falls in love with Yixing’s song, Promise, even more.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

An argument breaks out between them and it’s bad. Worse than every other argument they have ever had and it scares Jongdae because what if Yixing never forgives him for the things he’s saying? But as much as he is scared and as much as he is regretting what comes out of his mouth, he can't seem to stop. He’s furious and tired and he can’t seem to remember what they’re yelling about in the first place.

“Well maybe we’re just waiting for you to leave!” He hears himself say and he is absolutely horrified. Going from the small gasps that the other release, he isn’t the only one. “Wait, ge, I didn’t mean that.”

Yixing’s face blanks, becoming extremely emotionless except for his eyes which are blazing. “Jongdae,” His voice is steely, “I would _never_ leave this group.” He pauses as if to let him digest what he has said. “And if you think I enjoyed coming back to fix your sorry ass, then you’re wrong.” He says more horrible things, points out all his faults and Jongdae can understand that Yixing is only human but surely he doesn’t mean any of it. The hardness in his eyes tell Jongdae otherwise.

“Ge…” He hates how he’s on the verge of tears, how his lip is quivering and how his hands are trembling. In fact, maybe his entire being is trembling. He’s not sure. His mind is too preoccupied with how his sweet, lovely Yixing ge most likely hates him now.

Jongdae allows himself to be dragged away by Minseok, who doesn’t say anything which he is pathetically grateful for. They skip past his room and go to Minseok’s instead, lying on his bed in each other's arms.

“Everything will be alright.” Minseok whispers in his hair and the majority of Jongdae’s whole being wishes that it was Yixing saying it instead.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

The next day Jongdae steels himself.

He can’t let Yixing be his support system any longer. Not after yesterday. But he finds it difficult to cope—he is having Yixing withdrawal symptoms of sorts until he catches himself and makes himself snap out of it, trying to recall the horrid things Yixing said to his face. It’s an effective way to trigger his anger and he puts himself on autopilot, avoiding Yixing like a plague.

Yixing tries to come to him countless times during the day but he always makes a detour or grabs another member, usually Minseok, with him and begin a random conversation. (Minseok never says anything but the way he looks at Yixing speaks volumes. Jongdae feels bad for him because he must feel stuck in the middle.)

It’s horrible and he hates it but he's _done_ getting hurt.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

Days turn into weeks which in turn leads to months and eventually he and Yixing hardly talk at all. Yixing still tries, sometimes, when he manages to somehow get Jongdae alone but Jongdae can’t seem to forgive him. It becomes a routine to avoid him and it isn’t just behind the scenes anymore—he makes Kyungsoo stand next to Yixing instead of him, tries to subtly ignore him during their concerts. At this point, the fans are starting to notice too. There are snide comments from antis and theories on why Yixing and Jongdae aren’t _YixingandJongdae_ anymore.

“Maybe you should talk to him.” Baekhyun suggests (although it’s not a suggestion really, going by the tone of his voice) one night while they’re drinking hot chocolate together on the staircase by the fire exit.

Jongdae casts his gaze on him for a split second before focusing back on the darkness of his beverage. “Yeah… Maybe.”

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

(On his birthday, Chanyeol shows him the post Yixing put up of them and when he reads the caption he feels moved and regretful all at once.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

It’s 2016 and Jongdae is tired. 2015 took a lot out of him, out of them, and all he can hope that things will be better this year.

In order to have a better year, Jongdae knows that he should make amends with Yixing. He misses him, misses _them_ —the closeness that they once held. He starts planning it out one afternoon while he’s in his room (he no longer is roommates with Yixing but Minseok instead). Typing out an apology is hard, he can’t seem to say sorry enough. Once he’s satisfied, he reads it over and over again until he’s sure that he has memorized it all.

Yixing is in China so he has plenty of time to prepare for his grand apology.

(When Jongdae tells the others of his plans, they’re all extremely relieved and offer to help but he refuses because this is between him and Yixing alone.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

The tension could be cut with a knife. Neither he or Yixing say anything. Yixing isn’t meeting his eyes, instead focusing on the small sized cake that he bought for this occasion—it’s Yixing’s favorite, the one with peaches and cream and glazed cherries. But Jongdae _is_ staring, outlining Yixing’s face that he hasn’t seen in so long. He looks tired, dark rings around his eyes and slumped shoulders but Jongdae thinks he looks beautiful all the same.

Jongdae clears his throat, “Uhm I arranged for this because I want to apologize. Formally, that is.” Yixing’s eyes shoot up to meet his own, wide in disbelief. “I know I’ve been a shitty person to you and what I said wasn’t right. I didn’t mean it! I swear. Uh…” For someone who can memorize most of their songs just fine, Jongdae sure is having a difficult time remembering all of the things he wants to say. It goes awry from there, Jongdae fumbling on his words but when he notices the softness in Yixing’s eyes he treks forward. “Basically, what I’m trying to say is that we started off as six and now all we’re left with three. To me, you’re more than just a member, more than just a brother because you, me and Minseok? We’ve been through it all—we’ve practised together late in the night, got frustrated and angry, doubted the course of our futures together and got scared together. So I don’t want to believe that an argument can set us apart. I love everyone in this group.”—he meets Yixing’s eyes so that his ge knows that he is completely serious—“But more importantly, I love you and Minseok the most.”

“Jongdae…”

“No, I’m serious! You _have_ me, ge, and you _always_ will. I’m sure Minseok will say the same.”

Yixing’s smiling now and there’s something about him that changes. His eyes are watery and he looks utterly relieved, “Jongdae.” He cries loudly, hiding his face in his hands. A pressure in Jongdae's chest loosens and he can’t help but huff out a breath of relief as he stands up to walk over to the Chinese male. Yixing sobs out broken apologizes and promises and Jongdae wouldn’t want it any different.

Later on when Yixing has stopped crying and they’re huddled beside each other, eating the cake, Jongdae jokes, “Tell anyone I said that I love you and Minseok the most and I’ll never speak to you again.”

Yixing beams, “Scouts honour.” And shuffles as close to his side as possible.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

(“You have _all_ of me too, Jongdae. You _always_ have.” Yixing states in the darkness, over Minseok’s snores. They’re on his bed, facing each other.

In reply, Jongdae kisses Yixing’s forehead and leans his head on his chest.)

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

By the time their new album EX’ACT and the repackage come out, they have slowly appeared friendlier towards each other on camera but try to keep it to a minimum because, really, they don’t have to look close when cameras are around when behind closed doors and in the comfort of their dorm, they are aware of just how close they truly are.

Sehun jokes one day about how co-dependant and gross they are, Jongin adding a little comment of his own but he and Yixing glance at each other before shuffling closer,  Jongdae grabbing Minseok to squeeze in beside them on the couch, and smile way too wide because, yeah, they are co-dependant and gross but they don’t care.

 

*  *  *   *  *  *  *

 

(Jongdae promises, with an extremely tight hug, that he will text Yixing as soon as possible and whenever he can once he leaves for China.

And when night rolls around, he and Minseok share a duvet between them and find a website where they can watch all of the things Yixing has featured in. They laugh at his silliness and when they’re eyes feel heavy, they muse on about how they miss their Changsha prince before falling asleep.)

**Author's Note:**

> you made it to the end of the fic!!! congrats!!!!! :D
> 
> i hope that you enjoyed and arent too emotionally unstable bc honey i know i am rip
> 
> also when jongdae says minseok i didnt add in 'hyung' because in my mind they're already speaking in korean so why would i need to if you understand what i mean lmao
> 
> this fic is crossposted on aff under the same username lol


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